This is very much a story poem, with some prose stuffed in.
Thursdays
It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
- Arthur Dent, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Thursdays resemble the worst side of the rubics cube the side
that never lines up just right and the pack of 26 crayola
colored pencils on my floor; did I ever tell you I can’t draw?
they’re there because one day straight lines and sausage like
fingers wont be any different that green vines swamping the
edges of heavy stock sheets. you never could get the hang of
Thursdays could you. they seemed so pointless. nothing ever
moved faster than a crawling caterpillar, and your brain
moved even slower. but Thursdays meant Fridays so you put
up for them because of me. because every Friday we would
trek down to the Artesian and drink the nectar water straight
from the spout. Fridays were good days nothing like the half
eaten thoughts of the days before. Thursdays confused you,
they way I’d like to when in half sleep you didn’t know I’d
snuck in to sleep beside you. the bed was always soft. soft
like the weather of spring and you’d sleep on through as I
rearranged the covers around us. but I pick today, Thursday
to tell you this, because you can’t live you’re whole life
around hating Thursdays. I love you for Thursdays, the one
day I’d call and you’d answer on the first ring just to hear my
voice. stay with me on Thursdays even if the reaper comes to
call. because I’ll save you from Thursdays.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Despite the horrible lack of grammar (GASP) I liked it! I started reading merely because of the mention of Aurthur Dent. *waves towel*
Should that be "the"? I think it should be "the"Very rambly, very hard to read because of the lack of commas and capitalization, etc. etc. But I liked it. The end was a cute way to wrap it up, and I actually liked how much it mumbled and sort of floated from one direction to another, never really on any path just going and taking you with it.
It was cute. Yes, those are the three words I am choosing to you. Go Cal!
It didn't really flow very well for a poem.At the moment it sounds more like a story.A good story however.It doesn't really look that good.It's all in a kind of big lump.(sorry if it's purposefuly like that!)
Space it out a bit more and capitalize.I like the story line of the poem though.Good work.
You really need to use proper puncuation marks. Look through the poem and find where you ask questions and put, you guessed it, question marks!
Other than that I enjoyed it alot. Man how that book made me laugh. If anyone who reads this post hasn't read it, read it. It's very enjoyable.
Jearjioe
I'm sure there's an artistic reason why you didn't use any punctuation besides the full stops, but really...it's driving me insane. I just want to go through and go COMMA COMMA COMMA CONJUCTION COMMAAAAA. But I'm sure you know the rules of grammar, and that would aid you little.
Man, what happened to those thin crayola pencils. I'll be honest -- nothing fat belongs in this poem.
Too many pronouns, not enough identification. Oh, well, yes. Harrumph. I get it. The lack of commas, the raving, the pronouns, the lowercase - all very meshed together, like the blur of words when you've worked on the rubic's cube for one too many hours.
...But it's just so irritating to be so vague!
You say make Thursday the emphasis of both setances. To make it flow better, I'd change to last sentance. Perhaps just the last word - like "thursday = them" (which would apply personification to this beautiful topic), or just reconstruct the entire sentance. The less complex, the more straightfoward, the better.
I suppose you did your job well. We all feel confused in the vauge feeling, but aware of the pointless artistry. Nicely done. It's a Thursday-feeling.
Not sure I really agree -- the formatting seemed OK to me, kind of run-out-of-breath run-on-ish but I think it kind of worked, LOL. Maybe a little bit of smoothing out is needed though. Overall, I love it (I'm always partial to that quote about Thursdays, and it struck me as interesting). A few bits I think you should work on though (it wouldnt be a crit if there werent LOL):
Thursdays resemble the worst side of the rubics cube[comma - for the love of God, a comma! LOL] the side
that never lines up just right and the pack of 26 crayola
colored pencils on my floor; did I ever tell you I can’t draw?
they’re there because one day straight lines and sausage like
fingers wont be any different that green vines swamping the
edges of heavy stock sheets.
You've lost me a bit here.
you never could get the hang of
Thursdays could you. they seemed so pointless. nothing ever
moved faster than a crawling caterpillar, and your brain
moved even slower. but Thursdays meant Fridays so you put
up for them because of me.
Oops! All of a sudden we've switched to talking about a "you" -- who is "you" and where did he come from? Perhaps make this transition a little gentler.
because every Friday we would
trek down to the Artesian and drink the nectar water straight
from the spout. Fridays were good days nothing like the half
eaten thoughts of the days before. Thursdays confused you,
they way I’d like to when in half sleep you didn’t know I’d
snuck in to sleep beside you. the bed was always soft. soft
like the weather of spring and you’d sleep on through as I
rearranged the covers around us. but I pick today, Thursday
to tell you this, because you can’t live your whole life
around hating Thursdays.
I love it, but the narrator picked today (Thursday) to tell "you" what, exactly? Needs to be a clearer connection between "tell you this" and "I love you for Thursdays" (if that is what the narrator is telling "you", anyway) because as it is it's kind of loose. Um. To me, anyway. LOL.
I love you for Thursdays, the one
day I’d call and you’d answer on the first ring just to hear my
voice. stay with me on Thursdays even if the reaper comes to
call. because I’ll save you from Thursdays.
Not sure about the last 'Thursdays' -- seems like overkill. Some of the images are a bit disconnected, IMHO, but then, a lot of your poetry reads taht way to me, but it still works ^_^
An enjoyable poem CL
Cheers,
~bubbles
Yeeeeeeaaaah....the format. I was like, read read zip ping new line. Read read zip ping new line. read read zip ping new line.....you get the idea. All the line breaks and new lines and spastic lines that seemed to be created midword just totally ...grar!
I'm sorry, but the constant jerking from one line to the next lost the meaning of the poem/whatever for me. I do like the quote though, it was rather nice...and it was only because of that that I got the general meaning of what you were trying to convey.
That is the only part of the poem that I actually like. The rest...ugh. Some serious reformatting needs to be done. No offence intended of course.
~Chibi
Hmmm...
Next of all, it's all too jerky. The poem isn't lilting at all, except in the beginning, and that's driving me crazy! Especially since the letter after every period is not capitalized and my eyes are bleeding and GAH!
Which is good. So the content is good. But omg! The format!
First of all, I must admit, I'm not really a fan of the line breaks. I mean, if it's a story poem, then why even bother with the line breaks?
...obviously, you can tell that I can get a little obsessed? Oh well.
Yeah. To make things worse, most of the time, after every period is a conjuction which, if used properly, would be fine. I would rather have a bunch of commas and a run-on sentence than jerky fragment sentences that. stop. too. much.
Get the point? Now picture me flailing in the wind. XD
Hehehe... oh yeah. This is a worthless critique. Maybe it'll spur on some better ones? We can only hope!
Oh wait... the content!
I ike the use of Thursdays and I love the quote that leads in the poem. Usually the quote and the poem don't make sense together, especially for your poetry (eep!) but this worked.